


Counting

by NateTheWolf



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Angst, Dreams, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Panick Attack, Sleep Deprivation, Sleep Paralysis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:35:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23640928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NateTheWolf/pseuds/NateTheWolf
Summary: How long can someone not sleep until you shut down?For the Doctor, she never knows. The endless cycle of nightmares has gotten to her. It didn't help that she didn't even know when she was dreaming or not. If this was even real.When will this nightmare end? she asks, even though she knows that's not the question she should be focusing on. Even the hallucinations know better.How can you be saved when you can't save yourself?
Comments: 8
Kudos: 43





	1. Alert. Panic. Distress.

Her eyes snapped open. She didn’t remember falling asleep in the console room, but it didn’t faze her either. She did always fall asleep in strange places. It just felt a tad bit disorienting to wake up where she was probably standing moments before. She went to sit up to take in her surroundings but found, to her distress, that she couldn’t. At All. Her eyes shot down to her body, looking at her legs, expecting to see them move, to see anything move, but they remained stubbornly still.

_ Disconcerting. _

The only thing she could see was her chest rise and fall as she tried to assess the situation. Tried to calm herself down. She could feel the effort it took to move, and her muscles made it feel like she was moving, but she couldn’t see it, couldn’t feel it. She willed herself to move, to at least move her head so she could properly look around. Her efforts were futile. Yet knowing that just made it worst. Made  _ her _ worst. Made her panic. Looking around, as much as she could with her peripheral vision, she noticed that nobody else was in the room, at least from what she could tell. The only noise she could hear was her breathing, that had started to come out in a short, stunted pattern. As she tried to calm herself, tried not to focus on her chest suddenly heaving as her breathes became more laboured, she noticed that the usual orange colour that was in the TARDIS had slowly faded to a hue of red the longer she had been awake. That was a bad sign.

_ Alert. Panic. Distress. _

Nothing was moving. Only her eyes as they darted around the room, trying to fully survey the area. To fully assess the situation. To see if there was anyone or anything behind her, to the side of her, or even far out in front of her. There was nothing. There was no-one. All she could think to do was watch her body for any movement, or at the console whenever she thought she could have seen or heard something. Even a finger twitch would relieve some of the panic she felt, the feeling increasing with every passing second. It felt as if she were restrained by an invisible force. That no matter what she did she wasn’t capable of gaining back her control. Like she had been pinned to the ground, no ways of escaping.

_ No ways of surviving. _

Attempting to calm herself down, she kept her eye on the hallway in front of her, half expecting,  _ hoping _ , that someone could walk through it. Any one of her friends at least. As she thought, she reckoned they were probably at home, or for all she knew they were passed out behind her, or experiencing the same bought of panic and anxiety she was. The same feeling of a weight being pressed down against her, keeping her still. She tried to speak, tried to assure them they were alright, going to be okay, that they will all get out of this soon, even if she was mainly talking to herself to ease her distress. However, no sound came out. Barely a muffled hum escaped her when she found she couldn’t even open her mouth to speak.

That was quite distressing.

Suddenly, a wave of lethargy came over her, despite not really doing anything physically exhausting except trying to force herself to speak, to move, to do anything that could help her out of this predicament. She glanced around; her eyelids heavy as she pushed herself to look for any sort of threat. Her whole body was trembling, her fight or flight instincts kicking in despite her exhausted state. It was getting hard to keep her eyes open. No matter how alert she was, especially since she had this feeling of dread when she closed her eyes even for a millisecond, she couldn’t help it.

Moments later she fell back into unconsciousness.

* * *

The Doctor jumped awake. The moment she realised she was in the console room she shot up, looking around the area, surveying it, taking in all the details. She could move, that was a plus. There was an orange glow to the room, like usual .  She pressed her hands onto the cold metal floor, the texture of it making her focus on reality. It helped calm her as she took a few deep breathes. 

Everything was fine.

She went to stand but realised she didn’t have her boots on. Looking around, she saw that they were seemingly kicked off to the side and ended up by the console. Shrugging the confusion of her boots being off aside, she shuffled over and grabbed them before examining each boot. There was nothing out of the ordinary. She shrugged before shoving them back on.

“Where you off to?” The Doctor jumped and twirled around to see Yaz walking up to her. “Whoa, why so jumpy?”

“How long have you been there?”

“Two minutes,” she shrugged as she sat down next to the blonde. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing really,” she shook her head, wincing at the dull ache that followed.

“Something is-”

“Weird dream,” the Doctor muttered through gritted teeth, her head lolled forward as she covered her eyes with her hand, blocking out any light.

“What was this weird dream?” Yaz asked slowly, unsure if asking was the right thing to do. She looked over the slightly dishevelled blonde.

“Just,” she paused, sighing once the headache had subsided. “Weird. Felt real y’know?”

“Ah, one of those type dreams,” her friend nodded. “Was it particularly scary or?”

“Terrifying,” she quickly said before she could think. Before she could stop herself. Where had that come from? 

“ Do you want to talk about it?” Yaz asked.

“No... I don’t think I do,” the Doctor shook her head. “It was just weird.”

“Well, I’m here if you need me, okay?” she patted her on the shoulder as she stood up. “ Wanna go anywhere?”

“Hmm, maybe-”

“Or stay paralyzed on the floor?”

The Doctor froze. Her breathing hitched as she stared ahead, oddly enough at the spot she was stuck on in her nightmare. Slowly, she turned to face Yaz, who looked confused at her. “W-What did you say?”

“Or are you going to sulk around?” she replied, now stepping closer to her friend. “You okay?”

“I... You... Ugh, my head hurts,” she groaned as she winced, ducking her head forward as she applied pressure to her forehead. “How do you know if you’re in a dream?”

“Why would you be in a dream?” Yaz laughed.

“I don’t know... There’s something... Off.”

“You’re freaking me out now-”

“You’re freaking me out,” the Doctor snapped. As she stood up and twirled around to face her friend, she could have sworn she saw a shadow figure by the console. She looked again, eyes wide, scared of what she would see. Nothing. She turned back to Yaz, breathing heavily as she stumbled backwards into one of the pillars and shakily slid down to the floor.

“Doctor?” her friend rushed over to her; her hands raised as if she were going to comfort her but didn’t know where to touch. “What’s wrong?”

“How do you tell if you’re dreaming?”

“What-”

“How can you tell that you’re dreaming?!” she snapped, arms waving frantically.

“Um,” she stammered, taken aback by her sudden aggressive attitude. “You can count your fingers? There’s usually less or more than usual in dreams.”

“Okay,” the Doctor nodded as she raised her hands.  “One, two, three, four, five. Five fingers, each hand.”

“Doctor, it’s easy to overlook things, especially if you’re in this state,” Yaz said calmly, an empathetic look on her face as she smiled at her. Slowly, she raised her hand. “Count with me okay?”

She nodded and breathed out shakily before she held her hand up. As she focused on it, she tried not to fixate on how her arms were trembling, how her whole body felt weak, how her vision was getting more blurred by the second. She noticed Yaz, smiling encouragingly at her as she started to count slowly, showing the blonde her thumb. The Doctor copied, swaying her thumb in front of her as she stared at it, as if she were making sure it was really there. There was a bit of silence, besides a few stunted breathes she could hear almost echo around her. She looked up at Yaz, expecting her to continue counting, to help her count.

“You’re not breathing well. Try taking a deep breath after every number,” she mimicked the action as she spoke, her voice soft and oddly calm. 

Then again, this was Yasmin Khan, PC Khan, she could have had training for this type of stuff, maybe her calm demeanour wasn’t as odd as the Doctor thought. Shrugging the thought of Yaz doing anything but trying to help away, she followed her instructions.

“Better,” Yaz nodded slowly. “One.”

“O-One...”

_ Deep breath. _

“Two.”

“Two...”

_ Deep, slow breath. _

“That’s it, remember to pay close attention. Three yeah?”

“Three, y-yeah, that’s three,” the Doctor nodded as she stared at her middle finger, taking another slow breath. It was oddly calming.

_ Better than the echoes. _

“Four?”

“F-Four.”

_ Deep breathes, no stunted. Good. _

“Five. Keep counting and look okay?” Yaz urged, yet kept her calm demeanour.

“Five,” the Doctor looked at her little finger, focused but unfocused, as if she were counting sheep. She needed to know though, needed to know that she was asleep or not. She looked past her little finger, monotonously counting as if it was programmed into her. “Six.”


	2. Sugar Crash

The Doctor awoke with a start, sitting up straight in her bed as she gasped. Quickly, she checked over her hands, counting her fingers like it was second nature.

_ Five. Great. _

Shaking her head, she climbed out of her bed, only now noticing how damp the sheets felt, how her clothes felt. She grimaced, awkwardly moving to avoid the cold fabric clinging to different parts of her body than they already were. Luckily, she was just wearing her navy top and trousers, not her coat or braces, so there wasn’t much to get changed out of. Shuddering from the movement, she managed to take them off and throw them to the nearest corner. She walked over to her wardrobe, grabbing a clean pair of pyjamas, despite her capability of sleep being unlikely.

The lighting in her room was dark, so picking a pair that matched was a rather low probability, not that it mattered anyway, she knew everybody else would be asleep. She picked out a pair of shorts and long top, most likely from her previous regenerations since the shirt went down to her knees, and the shorts went to her shin. It didn’t matter, as long as she didn’t have damp fabric clinging to her.

The Doctor yawned and stretched. She looked back at her bed, groaning when she  realised she would not be sleeping anymore. Begrudgingly, she walked out her room in search for something to do. For something to distract her.

In the light of the corridors, she noticed her shorts were actually swim shorts with grey and green aliens on it, and her shirt had a ‘sunglasses are cool’ slogan on it. Most likely from her last regeneration. She shrugged; it was better than nothing.

Absentmindedly, she seemed to have made her way to the kitchen. 

“Hey Doc,” Graham greeted, taking a sip from his West Ham United mug at the work top by the fridge. She jumped, clearly not expecting anyone there at that time. Whatever that time was. She glanced up at the clock to see it was two o’clock, and since it was just him, she guessed it was the morning and not the afternoon.

“ Oh hey Graham, what’re you doing up?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” he shrugged. “Thought I’d make myself some hot chocolate.”

“Hmm, that sounds nice actually,” she grinned up at him as she trudged over to the fridge. “Got any  marshmallows ?”

“It’s your ship,” he laughed, sitting down at the dining table. “Doesn’t it have anything you want?”

“True,” she shrugged, grabbing a bottle of cream. “ D’you want any?”

“Nah, I’m good with plain,” Graham raised his mug to her as he took another sip. “Why are you awake anyway?”

“Same as you,” the Doctor grabbed a mug and packet of caramel hot chocolate. Lazily, she shoved it in the machine and added a bit of milk, impatiently waiting for the chocolate powder part of the drink to be added. “Don’t need sleep anyway.”

“You seem like you do Doc.”

“Rude,” she frowned, leaning back on the counter. “Could say the same for you.”

“Woke up on the wrong side of the bed?” he questioned, putting his mug on the coaster. “If you even sleep on the bed.”

“Sorry Graham,” she sighed, rubbing at her eyes. “Just tired.”

“Yet you can’t sleep-”

“Yeah, I get the irony-”

“I don’t think it’s-”

“I don’t care,” she groaned. “Tired okay?”

“Okay,” Graham stayed quiet after that, merely drinking his hot chocolate.

Once her hot chocolate was done, she grabbed the bag of tiny marshmallows from the cupboard and dumped most of them in it before grabbing the cream and squirting it in her drink. Humming, she looked at the beverage and turned the mug around.

“Something’s  missin ’,” she mumbled.

“More marshmallows?” Graham suggested quietly.

“Oh, yeah,” she grinned, taking a handful of the treats and dropping them into the mountain of cream. “Nah, something’s still off.”

“Isn’t that enough? You’ll get a sugar rush... And crash.”

“Nope, need’s something else,” she shook her head before opening all of the cupboards for what she wanted. She knocked over a tube of rainbow sprinkles to reach for something at the back. “Aha!”

“Sprinkles?”

“Nope,” the Doctor paused when she noticed them on the table, pulling out the tube of cinnamon. “But that might be good...”

“Doc no,” Graham sighed.

“Doc yes,” she smiled as she opened both and tipped them on the drink.

“Oh god,” he muttered, shaking his head. “If you collapse don’t blame me.”

“I won’t collapse,” she shook her head, grinning like a child as she dropped the sprinkles and cinnamon cases and took a sip of her drink. “Hmm. Delicious.”

Graham rolled his eyes as he put his mug in the sink and cleared up after the blonde. It didn’t prove easy when she hopped up on the counter. “Wardrobe malfunction Doc?”

“Not my fault the TARDIS hasn’t updated my wardrobe,” she shrugged. “What’re you wearing anyway?”

“My  dressing  gown ?”

“Why does it have meat on it?” she tilted her head.

“Meat?” Graham looked at his sleeves frantically, but stopped when he saw the logo on his chest. “It’s a football team Doc, like my mug?”

“Oh...”

“Sugar gotten to your head?”

“Maybe?”

“Looks like you’ll fall asleep soon,” he shrugged, making his way to the door. “Or just collapse on the floor.”

“What’s with you and me collapsing?” she looked at him suspiciously, licking the cream from her top lip, ignoring the smudge on her nose.

“I just know you will like before-”

“Before?”

“Yeah,” Graham nodded, an unreadable expression on his features as he turned in the doorway to face her. “You were in the console room before. Don’t you remember?”

“No,” she whispered, lowering her mug and setting it on the counter. “Did you move me to my room again?”

“No.”

“Then how did I get to my room?”

“You didn’t,” he merely shrugged and walked out.

That was odd, even for Graham. The Doctor hopped off the counter, leaving her beverage to go cold as she rushed to the door. She went to call out for her friend, to see what he meant, but the words got caught in her throat when she saw nothing. He wasn’t that fast. She twirled around in the corridor, hoping to see him still walking to his room. Nobody was there.

“No,” she muttered, feeling panic rise in her chest as she searched for him. “No, no, no, no...”

The Doctor stumbled into the wall, sliding down it. Shaking her head, she held her hand out like Yaz had taught her. Had she taught her that? Or was it just a nightmare? Was this a nightmare? She squeezed her eyes shut and took a few deep breathes in an attempt to calm herself down. It somewhat worked. Cautiously, she opened them to look at her hand, carefully counting her fingers.

“One,” she breathed. “Two, t-three... Four...”

Her vision blurred for a second, so she blinked a few times as she took a deep breath in. Finally, she was able to focus on her hand again, the floor becoming a blur. She knew she needed to get to five, just to check. To make sure. She stared intently as she counted.

“Five... Six, Sev-”

Her eyes snapped open.


	3. What Lurks In The Shadows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haven't wrote for a long time, remembered that this was a thing, and now there's another chapter.
> 
> Like all chapters in this fic; tw: panic attacks, anxiety, nightmares

She was in console room again. 

Startled, she bolted up. At least this time she could move. Shaking, she counted her fingers on each hand. Five, just as it should be. The Doctor sighed in relief and looked around the console room, the colours rather dull but she could chalk that up to the telepathic link. 

As soon as she stood up, she swayed, stumbling a bit as one hand gripped at the side of her head. She squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for the pain to subside, hoping it was just a headrush. A few seconds later she straightened up. The dull ache was still there, but it was bearable. Wincing, she sighed and rubbed at her eyes, still exhausted. 

“Doctor?” 

She jumped and twirled around, seeing Yaz peering her head through the door. Clearing her throat, she greeted her, almost in a daze. “Oh hey.”

“You’re early,” she smiled nervously as she strolled up to her. 

“Am I?” the blonde glanced down at the console. “She must’ve got fed up of me being late then.” 

“Well, the boys should be here soon,” Yaz shrugged and leaned against a pillar. “Are you sure you’re okay? You seem distracted.” 

“Yeah, totally fine,” she nodded with a small smile, and then shrugged. “Just a bit tired.” 

“Nightmares again?” 

The Doctor tensed, looking over her confused. “When did I-” 

“You told me about them last time,” she admitted with her arms crossed. “And then dismissed them and took us to the planet of the tulips. Have to admit, the rainbow ones were pretty, and you fitted in well.” 

“Are you calling me a tulip?” 

“No, no,” Yaz laughed. “With your rainbow get up is what I meant.” 

“Ah, right,” the Doctor looked over her attire, noticing the rainbow colours on her shirt was a bit faded now. “Hmm. Might have to get a new shirt soon...” 

“Don’t you just wear it all the time? Even when you’re unconsc-” 

“Hey Doc,” Graham greeted as he and Ryan walked through the door. “On time for once hey?” 

“Yeah,” she grinned at them, ignoring the sudden anxiety that washed over her when Yaz spoke about consciousness. Why did she hate that word? 

“New for you isn’t it," Ryan laughed slightly, leaning on a pillar with his arms crossed. 

“Yes, yes, I get it, I don’t keep track of time very well,” she threw her hands in the air. “Can we go now?” 

“Where are we going?” 

“Good question Ryan...” 

“Can we go to that uh... What did you call it?” Yaz asked, looking up at her for an answer. 

“Call what?” 

“That planet... Rac... Racs- raacoricul... Flaxapatorious?” 

“Raxacoricofallapatorius,” the Doctor grinned, but her face dropped. “Wait a minute, why would we go there?” 

“Didn’t you say-” 

“No,” she shook her head fervently. “We can never go there-” 

“You must have been talking about the name Doc,” Graham chimed in. “We thought you were talking about going there, usually when you talk about places it’s because you want to take us.” 

“Oh, right well, no, we can’t go. Oh! Tell you where we can though,” she grinned as she hopped over to the console, facing away from her friends as she twisted a few switches, and pressed a button or two. 

“Where?” Yaz asked eagerly, yet stayed in place as the TARDIS shook. 

“Well, there’s this wonderful place full of cotton candy-” 

“That sounds hazardous,” she scoffed. 

“A dentist’s worst nightmare,” Graham chuckled, Ryan and Yaz following suit. 

“What did you say?” the Doctor paused, staring at her own reflection rather than at her friends. 

“Sugar, dentist, it was a joke Doc, relax,” he insisted. 

Something felt off. Usually by now Yaz would be next to the Doctor, looking at the controls as she typed the co-ordinates, asking questions or just staring in awe at her. This time however, they were all staying away from her. She shook her head, maybe she was being paranoid. 

“Are you sure you’re okay Doctor?” Yaz questioned, genuine concern evident on her features and in her voice. 

“Yeah,” she muttered before straightening up and pressing another button. “Yeah, ‘course I am.” 

“You sure-” 

The Doctor skipped over to the lever, twirling around to her fam as she grabbed it. “So, planet of cotton candy or wha-” 

When she turned around, they were gone. 

She froze. Her hearts dropped as she stared out into the dimly lit console room. They couldn’t be gone. There was no way she was still asleep, yet no trace that they were still in the room. Before she knew it, her breathing had increased as tremors wracked her body. Shakily, she leaned onto the console, silently pleading with herself that this wasn’t happening as she gripped onto the lever. At least this felt real. 

_It is real, isn’t it?_

Glancing around, she didn’t see anyone in the room. It was almost as if they were never there in the first place. 

_Alone once more_ _._

“Yaz?” she called out tentatively, looking around. “Ryan? Graham?” 

Nobody was there. She took a deep breath, calming herself before her mind went to the worst-case scenario. Or scenarios. Keeping her hands on the console, grounding herself so she didn’t spiral, she hesitantly took a step forward. Suddenly, three shadow like figures, almost smoke-like, appeared, in the same place where her friends once stood. It startled the blonde into stepping back, clinging onto the stuck lever. They evaporated. She stared intensely where the centre one once stood, looking at the ground for any residue to tell if they were even there to begin with, whatever they were. Despite the interior of the TARDIS now being considerably darker than when she woke up, there seemed to be something like a singed part of where they stood. 

Gulping, the Doctor stepped forward to examine it, only for them to snap back into reality. Her reality anyway, whichever one that was. However, they were closer to her now, the centred one having their hand stretched out. They didn’t move though. Carefully, she looked over them, watching them for any hint to what they were and in case of any sudden movement. It wasn’t until she leaned forward that the centre one started to move towards her slowly. 

_Pain._

Blinding pain to the right of her head erupted before she could react to the shadow figure almost floating towards her. She doubled over; her hand pressed to the side of her head. Her ears rung; her vision began to blur as it got closer. In a last-ditch effort for it to stop, for _it_ not to touch her, she stumbled backwards. 

It all stopped. 

Her hearts raced as she straightened up, trying to control her erratic breathing. The Doctor winced and shook her head ever so slightly, only now realising a dull ache whenever she pressed on her skin near her right eye. 

“What?” she groaned to herself as she pressed again, wincing at the pain increasing. Against her better judgement, she shook her head again, only for this time to feel dizzy and stumble backwards. 

They surrounded her. 

A high pitch, echoing distorted noise emitted from them, each one mere inches away from her. Frightened and in pain, the Doctor tried her best to control her breathing as she tried to figure out a way to escape these figures without needing to touch one. She didn’t want to know what would happen if they managed to grab her. 

As soon as she had that thought they all reached out slowly, gangly claw like hands stretched out. The noise only got louder. 

She doubled over again, the pain too much to ignore. As she did, she noticed the one to her left was just about to touch her. At this point she swore she could hear her own blood as the noise merged with a low frequency sound coming from the console. It startled her into stumbling back in place, squeezing her eyes shut. 

They disappeared. 

Dissipated into the air. It was so sudden that she was worried she had lost all her senses. It wasn’t until she felt her own shuddered breath on her hands that she realised that was not the case. Slowly, she opened her eyes, looking down at her knees pressed against her chest, arms shaking at her sides. 

The Doctor looked around warily, her breathing still rather erratic. She shook her head, dismissing the mystery shadows and went straight to counting her still trembling fingers. 

“One, t-two...” 

She continued counting in her head, a sudden fear of being over heard. She knew it was ridiculous. She knew she was alone. She always was in her nightmares. 

“Five,” she gulped before going to count to six, or even eight. She couldn’t though. Looking at her hand, she didn’t count again until she got to the other hand. Concerned, she turned her hands to face down and back up again. Still five. 

That could only mean one thing. 

“This is real?” the Doctor breathed out shakily before it quickened, her hearts racing even more. It felt like they could explode at any moment. 

She scrambled up to her knees, hoping somehow that could make her focus more. Her panicking didn’t help. 

“No, no, no...” 

_“_ _You’re not breathing well. Try taking a deep breath after every number.”_

The Doctor nodded slowly to the imaginary voice, following its instructions. She took a deep breathe before continuing. 

“One.” 

She moved to the second one, concentrating on her slowed down breathing. 

“T-Two...” 

A clank in the distance made her jump. She shook her head, trying her best to ignore the nagging thoughts of what could have made the noise in the empty room. 

“Three.” 

_“Re_ _member to pay close attention.”_

Yaz’s soothing voice calmed her down slightly and she took a gulp of air before continuing. 

“Four...” 

_Deep breathes. Pay attention._

“F-Five,” the Doctor muttered, vision blurring slightly as she stared at her little finger. She braced herself for what she could see next. Squeezing her eyes shut for a second she looked past the last finger. 

“Six-” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the people who helped with this chapter! And as always kudos and comments are greatly appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
